


Dear Kei, I miss you

by mutsukitooru_myheartout



Category: haikyuu
Genre: Haikyuu - Freeform, M/M, TsukiKage, tsukkikage - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 20:47:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7330102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mutsukitooru_myheartout/pseuds/mutsukitooru_myheartout
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sent from: Kageyama Tobio <br/>Subject: I'm done<br/>Date: september 23rd<br/>Dear kei,<br/>	I'm done. I'm done emailing somebody who wont even email me back. I'm done holding on hope that you'll come back to me, and we can keep this relationship alive. I'm done listening to your stupid songs at night and stupidly crying myself to sleep. I'm done waking up in the morning, disappointed that I dont see your stupid face looking back at me. I'm done waiting for you to give a shit about me. It's been almost a year, and I'm just done. <br/>	I'm taking a trip to Miyagi in december. I'll be there from the 15th, until the day after christmas. If you still care about me at all, I'll be spending my time with shoyo. If you dont come, you'll never have to hear from me again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Kei, I miss you

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: I miss you  
Date: January 13th  
Dear Kei, 

I've only been in Tokyo for a few days, and yet i miss you so much. I wish you were here with me. 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: I still miss you  
Date: January 14th  
dear Kei,  
Did you get my email yesterday? Maybe not... Sorry, the internet sucks here. I miss you...

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: How's college?  
Date: January 17th  
Dear Kei,  
How are you enjoying college? I guess you arent good with the whole "I miss you" thing, either, eh?

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: It's lonely here  
Date: Janurary 23rd  
Dear Kei,  
I dont have any friends here yet, so It's lonely. Especially since I can't talk to you. 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: I'm worrying about you  
Date: Januraru 25fth  
Dear Kei,  
What's going on? Are you okay? Please email me back 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: I need to see you  
Date: February 8th  
Dear kei,  
I know i haven't been in Tokyo long, but I dont care. I'm visiting you at the end of the week. 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: I'm on my way  
Date: February 11th  
Dear kei,  
I'll be there in a few hours. I cant wait to see you...

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: Where are you?  
Date: february 11th  
Dear kei,  
Akiteru told me you left somewhere in a hurry last night. Where did you go? I'll be at shoyo's place for the weekend if you want to come see us. 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: why didnt you come?  
Date: February 15th  
Dear kei,   
Why didnt you come? where are you? I thought you would want to see me, too...

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: Kei...  
Date: February 26th  
Dear kei,  
Why arent you answering me? i know you must be recieving at least some of these. 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: hey  
Date: March 12th  
Dear kei,  
Did you know it's hard to sleep when the man you love is hours away? I figured that out on my first night here.... how are you sleeping lately? 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: I'm starting to lose hope  
Date: april 3rd  
Dear kei,  
I'm starting to lose hope of you ever replying to me... Please kei; just one word will let me know that you're okay. 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: music  
Date: april 18th  
Dear kei,  
Did you know that the music they play in tokyo is awful? nowhere near as good as the music you used to play for me. I found some of those songs on the inernet, and translated the lyrics to japanese... I now know what the songs are about.   
I listen to them when i cant sleep... which is everynight, without you here. 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: Why arent you replying?  
Date: June 16th  
Dear kei,  
I need to hear from you, kei... I'm struggling without you here. All I can do is worry about you. akiteru tells me your okay, but that's all he says.  
Do you not want to speak to me?

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: please...  
Date: july 5th   
Dear kei,   
Please respond... 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: ???  
Date: August 11th   
Dear kei,  
I talked to shoyo... He said he hasn't seen you in months. I thought you were on the same college volleyball team?   
I quit mine... I wasn't able to focus while worrying about you. 

 

Sent from: Kageyama Tobio   
Subject: I'm done  
Date: september 23rd  
Dear kei,  
I'm done. I'm done emailing somebody who wont even email me back. I'm done holding on hope that you'll come back to me, and we can keep this relationship alive. I'm done listening to your stupid songs at night and stupidly crying myself to sleep. I'm done waking up in the morning, disappointed that I dont see your stupid face looking back at me. I'm done waiting for you to give a shit about me. It's been almost a year, and I'm just done.   
I'm taking a trip to Miyagi in december. I'll be there from the 15th, until the day after christmas. If you still care about me at all, I'll be spending my time with shoyo. If you dont come, you'll never have to hear from me again.

 

Tsukishima Kei scrolled through his emails, re-reading the same ones over and over. No matter how many times he read them, he couldnt make himself respond. He didnt know what to say. What could he say? 

Words had always been his strong point. He had always used them to his advantage; found people's weaknesses, and vocalized them. When he could use his voice, he was virtually invinceble. 

But not when it came to Kageyama tobio. They had been together for three years; four if you counted the past year, where they hadnt spoken at all. No matter how long they were together, Tsukishima would never be able to speak normally around Tobio. No matter how long they were together, any amount of affection from the younger setter would set his cheeks ablaze with a fiery red blush. 

He wished he knew what to say now. If he could think of what to say, he would've. 

It's not that tsukishima didnt care about tobio, or didnt love him; of course he did. its just that, after Tobio left for college, Tsukishima found himself at a loss. After only a few days, he found himself barely able to leave his bed. at first, he just thought he was sick; but after months with no change, he discovered that the problem wasnt his body. 

It was his mind. 

He was dealing with something that - until tobio left - was neatly tucked away, closed off and unable escape and cloud his thoughts. once tobio left, it was released, and nearly crippled him. 

Tsukishima's depression was something that nobody would've expected. sure, when he was in his early teens he wasnt the happiest guy in the world, but he had improved thanks to the friends he made in highshool. By the time college started, he was the happiest he had ever been; until he was suddenly left all alone. 

Yeah, maybe he could've told Tobio to stay in Miyagi; could've told him not to leave. But he wouldn't do that; not to kageyama who, despite their constant bickering in the beginning of their relationship, tsukishima loved with all of his heart. He couldnt tell his boyfriend to stay, and forget about his dreams. 

Tsukishima loved kageyama. He couldnt hurt him. He didnt care if it meant hurting himself instead. 

When tsukishima was diagnosed, it was a sudden thing. His older brother akiteru - who was a certified surgeon despite his childhood fear of blood - told him that he had connections to a psychiatrist who could help him. At first, Kei blantantly denied any help from his older brother, but after weeks of annoying prodding, he gave in. 

He spoke to the psychiatrist, and was soon diagnosed with clinical depression. 

Kei decided he wasnt going to tell kageyama. He knew that if he did, Tobio would show up at tsukishima's house, and not leave until he thought he was okay again. tsukishima wanted to see him, but he didnt want kageyama to see him like that; Eyes sunken and sad, body completely lacking energy despite never leaving his bed; no longer able to smile the beautiful grin that he had come to use more often throughout their years together. 

And so, the time past. He avoided seeing Kageyama at any cost, even travelling out of town for the weekend kageyama was visiting. He ignored his brothers attempts to get him to reply to kageyama, and refused any sort of help. All he wanted to do was lay in his bed, and think about the happy days he spent with tobio and his friends in the volleyball club. 

After almost a year and a slowly declining amount of emails, Tsukishima recieved the final one. upon reading it, he couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes. He felt the first true emotion that he had in a long time. That night, he cried until he had no tears left to cry. 

He didnt cry for himself; He knew that his entire situation was his fault. He cried for Tobio, finally realizing the pain that he was putting the younger setter through. He cried for Tobio, because he understood what he meant when he talked about being lonely without the other each night. He cried, because he knew that it was his fault for the pain Tobio was going through, and he hated himself for it. 

December came, and before kei realized, it was the weekend of Tobios arrival. 

Tsukishima was at a crossroads. Should he go to see Kageyama, and try to explain, risking complete rejection from the setter because of his lack of mental instability? Or should he stay in the safe, comfortable confides of his bedroom, but lose the man he loves. There was pros and cons to each situation, and kei didnt know what to choose. 

He was sitting in his bed - as he did every day at this point - with his headphones plugged into his ears. He was almost completely zoned out, but everything came back into focus when he older brother, tsukishima akiteru, entered the room. 

"Kei," the older male stated, closing the door behind him. "You know what today is, dont you?" 

Slowly, tsukishims nodded, not able to meet his brother in the eyes. "The 15th..." He mumbled. 

"Kageyama messaged me; Told me he's visiting for christmas." Akiteru closed the door behind him, leaning against it casually. 

Kei didnt respond; He already knew. He had known for months. Since that last email Tobio had sent him; the email that made him feel as if Tobio had stabbed him right through the heart. 

"Are you going to go?" Akiteru sighed when tsukishima remained quiet, stalking over to Kei's bed, and sitting beside him. Kei shifted over slightly; not really to give Akiteru more room to sit, but to avoid any contact with him. 

"listen, kei..." Akiteru began. "I know this has been hard for you; the past year. I know you've struggled a lot with the things you've been dealing with. But you can't just keep ignoring Kageyama." Akiteru turned his head slightly to look at tsukishima, who was hunched over, eyes facing the sheets covering his lap. "You need to talk to him, and explain what has been going on. Otherwise, you're not only hurting yourself, but him as well." 

Kei flinched slightly at the mention of hurting kageyama, but otherwise, made no response. 

"Did you know, he's called me several times this year?" Kei just blinked, before nodding slowly. "Okay, but did you know that every time he called, he was crying?" Kei's breath hitched. "Everytime he calls, he asks about you. He asks if you're okay; what you're doing; if theres something that's keeping you away from him. Do you know what I've been telling him?" 

Shaking his head hesitantly, Kei grasped at the sheets below him. Just the thought of Kageyama being upset made him want to hit something. Kageyama being upset because of kei, made him want to hit himself.

"I've been telling him that you're "Fine"." akiteru stated. "I've been blantantly lying to him, because I know what would happen if I told him the truth, and i know you would hate me for it." 

Akiteru sighed again. "It's been hurting him; and it's been hurting me too. Seeing you like this isnt fun for me." 

Kei wanted to tell his brother that he was sorry; that he never wanted to hurt either of them. But he couldnt get the words out. 

Word used to be like his suit of armour; they protected him to keep others from finding out who he was on the inside. But now, kei was barely unable to speak; didnt find much importance in it anymore. Without words, he was just a depressed guy shutting out the rest of the world. 

"You need to go see him, kei." Akiteru stated after a pause. Almost furiously, tsukishima shook his head. 

Turning his body around fully, akiteru put his hand on tsukishima's shoulder, looking down at him with sadness in his eyes. 

"This is your last chance." Akiteru told him seriously. "If you dont go to him now, you'll lose him forever." 

Tsukishima didnt respond, just continued looking away from his older brother. 

"Kei." Suddenly akiteru stood up, standing infront of him with a now angry look on his face. "I've been waiting paciently. I've been taking less hours at work to be here and help you; I've moved back home to be here when mom cant. I've lied to kageyama for you, and I even managed to keep your old highschool friends from coming to see you, like you told me. If you dont go to Kageyama, and lose him forever, i know your condition will only get worse." 

Tsukishim a couldnt find the words to speak. He knew his brother was right; he knew he had to go see Kageyama. He didnt want to lose the beautiful blue eyes, and soft black hair. He didnt want to lose to smile that kageyama always gave him; soft despite the boys rough exterior. 

Kei didnt want to lose the only person he ever really loved, that thought alone couldnt get him out of his bed. 

Akiteru sighed, his eyes softening from their angry appearance. 

"He'll be here for the next week or so. I'll give you time to choose." 

With that, Akiteru turned, leaving the room and closing the door behind him. 

The days past without Kei paying much attention. He found himself scrolling through his phone more than usual; looking through countless photo's from the past few years, and countless midnght messages between him and Kageyama. 

The whole time, his phone went off repeatedly, as it always did; Countless messages from his friends - mostly sugawara koushi, nishinoya yuu, and yamaguchi tadashi - from highschool. 

He didnt bother reading the messages; He knew what they all said. They were all worried about him, or wanted to see him. It had been the same thing all year long. He just cancelled each notification, and continued looking through his pictures. 

That was until one message caught his eye; Tobio's name always did that. Instead of cancelling the notification, he scrolled down on the message to read it. It had been sent by Sugawara. 

Sent from: Sugawara koushi   
Subject: ????  
Date: December 20th  
Dear, Kei  
Tsukishima, I dont know what's going on with you, but you need to get to shoyo's house NOW. Kageyama is a drunken mess, crying about how you've been ignoring everybody all year. You know he never gets like this unless it's a big deal. If you dont come and help him, me, Ennoshita, Tanaka, and Noya will come to your house and drag you here. Akiteru can't stop us this time.

Tsukishima instantly found himself struggling to get out of the tangle of sheets on his bed. Before he knew it, he was typing a reply, about to hit send before he stopped himself. 

Kageyama rarely cried; much less infront of people. Kei had only seen him cry once; just a few tears the day he left for college. By the way Sugawara made it sound, the situation seemed serious. 

But would tsukishima be able to deal with it? seeing Tobio like that? Did he deserve to be there with his friends to comfort him? It was all his fault he was upset. What if they all hated him? 

Kei didnt have time to think about that though. he took a deep breath, and sent a reply, letting the older boy know he was on his way. 

He quickly got changed out of three-day old sweapants, and into a pair of jeans. They used to fit snuggly on his hips, but now sagged. Once he deemed himself as presentable as he could make himself look, he dropped his phone into his pocket and left his room for the first time in days. 

He made it into the front hall in a time span of a few seconds, tugging on his shoes and jacket. He was just about to exit the house when his brother appeared from the kitchen, leaning against the wall and twirling the keys to his car around his index finger. 

"Need a ride?" the older boy questioned. 

Kei nodded, mumbling something about Kageyama's location before stepping out of the house. 

The ride wasnt too long. A few minutes in, Suga messaged Kei back, letting him know it was good to know he was still alive. Tsukishima didnt see it as much of a good thing; they were probably going to kill him once he got there. Over the years, Kei had learned that they were prone to violence when emotionally overwhelmed. 

By the time Tsukishima arrived at Shoyo's house, he could feel the nerves crawling up his spine. He was afraid to go in; afraid to face the pain that he had caused among the people he cared about. For several minutes, he sat hunched over in the car. 

Akiteru slapped him on the back reassuringly, smiling softly before pushing Kei's door open. 

"Call me and let me know if they try to kill you; I'll grab the video camera from home." Akiteru chuckled, before his face went serious. "Dont lose him, kei." he muttered, looking straight at him.

Tsukishima nodded, hesitantly stepping out of the car and onto the sidewalk. Before he could even think about getting back into the car and going home, akiteru slammed the door shut and drove off, not giving him the chance. 

Sighing, Kei began the short walk up the stairs onto Shoyo's porch. Before he could knock, the door was flung open, and a large weight crashed into his body, knocking him over.

**Author's Note:**

> The next chapter wont be posted until September, since I took too long to type up this part, and my laptop stopped working before I could finish the second part. im uploading this on a school computer, and it's the last day of school for me. sorry for leaving this at a bit of a cliff hanger. Ill try to post as soon as possible.


End file.
